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THIRD MONDAY'S ASSASSINATIONS: Nark (Nick Markus) by pickles spontaneous poetry by the nick himself, with commentary by me "A tense standoff, settled by surprise (i tried to kill nick before midnight, he found out, so we squared off at midnight) twin swords held in hand, (we faced each other with spoons in hand) dust settling on a quiet field (probably cheeto dust bc it was rpcc) a sock thrown from an unseen hand (i took my sock off before coming, kept it in my jacket, and threw it at him from like a foot away) and a loser, fallen, on to the silent ground" (the loser is nick but he's great, and it's kinda noisy in rpcc) Flying Monkey (Akira Shindo) by pickles Honestly I was waiting the whole game for the opportunity to kill Akira. tbh it's revenge for him always asking me for CS2800 help every Sunday, and still doing better than me on BOTH the prelims. Anyways, naturally he asked me for help yet again for this week's pset, so I told him to come to my room, and right after he put his stuff down I mercilessly stabbed him with a spoon. But his lack of a reaction made it much less satisfying than I'd hoped. still, 8.7/10 would assassinate again Cloak of Terror (Patrick Clobridge) by Killing for Kittens I killed Patrick this morning before his physics lecture killed him (tbh why would you even major in that subject)(oops sorry guild don't be mad)(Guild Note: f u). this man tried to take off his shoe to get to a sock to defend himself. smh. looks like this kid wanted to die. welp, looks like i'm off to my next target. lmk if i get a kitten as a prize for this kill. elephantxtherealninjaxmountaingoat (Hagan Han) by Anthony: Hello. My name is Anthony Montoya. I killed my section leaders. Prepare to die. Hello. My name is Anthony Montoya. I killed my section leaders. Prepare to die. Hello. My name is Anthony Montoya. I killed my section leaders. Prepare to die. Band assassins: Stop saying that! Anthony: Hello. My name is Anthony Montoya. I killed my section leaders. Prepare to die. Band assassins: No! Anthony: Offer me an alliance! Band assassins: Yes! Anthony: Power, too. Promise me that! Band assassins: All that we have and more! Please! Anthony: Offer me everything I ask for! Band assassins: Anything you want! Anthony: I want my section leaders back, me son of a *** (Guild note: assassin's alias slightly modified since last time) "I do not mean to pry, but do you have s̶i̶x̶ ̶t̶o̶e̶s̶ ̶o̶n̶ ̶y̶o̶u̶r̶ ̶r̶i̶g̶h̶t̶ ̶f̶o̶o̶t̶ 10.23 toes?" He did. for he must be the one known as Count Hagan, and I had to kill him. I loved my section leaders, so naturally I challenged him to a duel 2 weeks ago. I fail. 10.23-toed man leave me alive. But he give me this: Inline image 6 It is now you might ask, "You've done nothing but track Count Hagan?" Alas, more a pursuit than a study, lately. You see, I cannot find him. It has been two weeks now and I am starting to lose confidence. I just work for Cornell to get the grades. It's not a lot of B-'s in revenge. But today, I learned of Count Hagan's whereabouts from a man in black. After two weeks, at last my section leaders' souls will be at peace. There will be blood this morning! And I killed him where he stood in Bard Hall. Fitting. I am Anthony Montoya. I killed my section leaders. Prepare to die. Killing for Kittens (Becca Rodell) by Tiger Blood At approximately 11:07 this morning, I killed Becca Rodell. I got to Baker Lab at way too fucking early o'clock to wait for orgo lecture to get out, and vanquished my target with a swift spoon of destiny to the shoulder as she left the building. As her soul left her body, her last message was "ok, you can go now..." and I detected the faintest hint of NaCl in her dying words. Marengo Bros and Chigachoes (Jeff Van) by Anthony: Hello. My name is Anthony Montoya. I killed my section leaders. Prepare to die. Hello. My name is Anthony Montoya. I killed my section leaders. Prepare to die. Hello. My name is Anthony Montoya. I killed my section leaders. Prepare to die. Band assassins: Stop saying that! Anthony: Hello. My name is Anthony Montoya. I killed my section leaders. Prepare to die. Band assassins: No! Anthony: Offer me an alliance! Band assassins: Yes! Anthony: Power, too. Promise me that! Band assassins: All that we have and more! Please! Anthony: Offer me everything I ask for! Band assassins: Anything you want! Anthony: I want my section leaders back, me son of a *** After my success at killing Count Hagan, I was told that I had a man from a far away place, a man from the hills and valleys of San Francisco. This San Fran Jeff Van man can plan, but As the newly minted Dread Pirate Roberts, I set sail to the hall of Duffield after class. Finding no alcoves free, I ate my lunch at a weird thing called a 'table in front of Mattins' and set off again in a bloodthirsty search. Lo and behold, my target was sitting at a table all to himself. I started to have a conversation, but The spoon plunged into his salmon shirt, and San Fran Dead Van's last words echoed through the despairing place: "I KNEW IT" Dread Pirate Roberts never leaves his captives alive, and is down to murder another day. I am Anthony Montoya, the Dread Pirate Roberts. I killed my section leaders. Prepare to die. Jeff's last words: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uWz-PY8qXZw pickles (Laasya Renganathan) by The Final Pam the final pam has no time for games. the final pam has come from the world of video games to bring terror to the world of mortals. my target knew of her fate well before the final pam came for her and was powerless to stop it. shake in fear, for the final pam is immortal. (a monument to my power) Laasya's final words: tbh i didnt feel like writing this so here is commentary by Spot (thx) "So Jeff Van and I were sitting in an alcove with Laasya and then Laasya left and [assassin] showed up and asked if we were playing and neither of us were. So then Laasya came back and humbly brushed off her big Memelord (class of 2020) award while [assassin] came for her with a spoon ready and Laasya tried to use her laptop as a shield but then dropped it (in duffield RIP) and perished, saying "Awww" as she took her last breath" all i can say is mom y Stew (Katherine Curtis) by 512 For the past week, I knew my target was a part of PATCH, which has G-body meetings in MVR 151 at 4:45pm on Mondays, and since she was on the Eboard, I knew she would probably be at these meetings. Unfortunately for me, I have out about this on a Tuesday, so I would have to wait another week before making my move. So on the afternoon of the 24th, I checked the PATCH's FB feed and confirmed that there was indeed a G-Body meeting today at the designated time and place. I scoped out the exact room a couple hours beforehand, and planned exactly how I was going to kill my target. I returned to my room, dropped off some of my stuff, geared up, and soon I was sitting in the 159 Lounge. It was 4:15 and nobody was in the room. However, I got a tip from someone that my target was tabling in Mann for PATCH and decided to go check it out. I walked towards Mann via Warren and halfway there, I saw my target walking towards me and even worse, she saw me, immediately froze, and turned out and hid. Luckily I didnt have any weapons drawn but either way, I knew I wasn't gonna kill her now so I ran out of Mann and went back into MVR 151, where by now 2 other people have showed up. I stood with my socks and spoon ready and within 15 minutes, someone opened the door. After about 2 seconds, my target cautiously walked in, carrying some food. She actually. turned her head to me and looked at me for a split second before turning away. Luckily, before she could react, I took out my spoon and stabbed her right in the gut. Her screams of anguish as she doubled over a nearby table never felt so good. Katherine's last words: Rare sighting of me post-kill. I ded. Eagle 1 (Sachi Koide) by Tiger Blood I was shocked to see Sachi at pep band rehearsal today, because I didn't think she usually showed up to that... anyway, she's dead now. Sock of doom to the back, mwahahahaha Sachi's last words: Someone hit me in the back on the way out of the band hall. I was confused and kept walking. They came up to me again and said "Sorry" and I said "For what?" And they were like "Really?"

2016 2017 Football Assassins Schedule and (Probably Not All of the) Results

DateAssassinatedOpponent...Opponent?Results
pickles (Laasya Renganathan)The Final Pam Kill
Marengo Bros and Chigachoes (Jeff Van)Anthony: Hello. My name is Anthony Montoya. I killed my section leaders. Prepare to die. Hello. My name is Anthony Montoya. I killed my section leaders. Prepare to die. Hello. My name is Anthony Montoya. I killed my section leaders. Prepare to die. Band assassins: Stop saying that! Anthony: Hello. My name is Anthony Montoya. I killed my section leaders. Prepare to die. Band assassins: No! Anthony: Offer me an alliance! Band assassins: Yes! Anthony: Power, too. Promise me that! Band assassins: All that we have and more! Please! Anthony: Offer me everything I ask for! Band assassins: Anything you want! Anthony: I want my section leaders back, me son of a *** Kill
Killing for Kittens(Becca Rodell)Tiger Blood Kill
elephantxtherealninjaxmountaingoat (Tips)Anthony: Hello. My name is Anthony Montoya. I killed my section leaders. Prepare to die. Hello. My name is Anthony Montoya. I killed my section leaders. Prepare to die. Hello. My name is Anthony Montoya. I killed my section leaders. Prepare to die. Band assassins: Stop saying that! Anthony: Hello. My name is Anthony Montoya. I killed my section leaders. Prepare to die. Band assassins: No! Anthony: Offer me an alliance! Band assassins: Yes! Anthony: Power, too. Promise me that! Band assassins: All that we have and more! Please! Anthony: Offer me everything I ask for! Band assassins: Anything you want! Anthony: I want my section leaders back, me son of a *** (Guild note: assassin's alias slightly modified since last time) Kill
Cloak of Terror (Patrick Clobridge)Killing for Kittens Kill
Flying Monkey (Akira Shindo)pickles Kill
Nark (Nick Markus)pickles Kill
Stew (Katherine Curtis)512 Kill
Eagle 1 (Sachi Koide)Tiger Blood Kill
Kridten (Claudia Guinansaca-Aguilar)Gavin the Sieve (Kevin Linsey) DOUBLE OMG
The Wrath of the Heavens Below and Hell Above (Elizabeth Chi)Kridten Kill
Alexander Settle (Flounder)¯\_(ツ)_/¯ Kill
Perhaps1YearOfExperience (Kevin Kruempelstaedter)Not Zoidberg Kill
ehh (Sarah Cohn-Manik)Sue Kill
Death by Narwhal Blast (Jeremy Miller)Kridten Kill
3edgy5me (Ava Jarvis)Kridten Kill
ㅁ (Gee)Kridten Kill
brambleshadow4 (Gray Ryan)Kridten Kill
White Lightning (Ian Breslow)Carmen Sandiego Kill
Dan Hanggi (Jojo)¯\_(ツ)_/¯ Kill
therealninja (Zeyu Hu)elephantxgoat Kill
Eden Letzkus (Natalie Parker)FOR THE GLORY OF THE PACK Kill
Jojomojojojomo (Allie Bichoupan)Gavin the Sieve Kill
Linemaster (Marina Chang)Kridten Kill
Gries (Emily Waite)Clive Kill
Mr. Bingalee Dingalee Man (Alex Fernandez)Kridten Kill
Lidija Marija Kosmatin (Gabriella Alvarez)Dan Hanggi Kill
sus mommy (Kathleen Won)pickles Kill
Mr. Dover (Zach Brothers)Gavin the Sieve Kill
The Sad Boi (Kyra Butler)Mr. Bingalee Dingalee Man Kill
Dobby (Gordon Gustafson)Anthony: Hello. My name is Anthony Montoya. You killed my section leaders. Prepare to die. Hello. My name is Anthony Montoya. You killed my section leaders. Prepare to die. Hello. My name is Anthony Montoya. You killed my section leaders. Prepare to die. Band assassins: Stop saying that! Anthony: Hello. My name is Anthony Montoya. You killed my section leaders. Prepare to die. Band assassins: No! Anthony: Offer me an alliance! Band assassins: Yes! Anthony: Power, too. Promise me that! Band assassins: All that we have and more! Please! Anthony: Offer me everything I ask for! Band assassins: Anything you want! Anthony: I want my section leaders back, you son of a ***** Kill
Assassins Daddy (Susan Eichhorn)Stew Kill
Brando (Kajmo)therealninja Kill
The turtle (Juan Meriles)Anthony: Hello. My name is Anthony Montoya. You killed my section leaders. Prepare to die. Hello. My name is Anthony Montoya. You killed my section leaders. Prepare to die. Hello. My name is Anthony Montoya. You killed my section leaders. Prepare to die. Band assassins: Stop saying that! Anthony: Hello. My name is Anthony Montoya. You killed my section leaders. Prepare to die. Band assassins: No! Anthony: Offer me an alliance! Band assassins: Yes! Anthony: Power, too. Promise me that! Band assassins: All that we have and more! Please! Anthony: Offer me everything I ask for! Band assassins: Anything you want! Anthony: I want my section leaders back, you son of a ***** Kill
Campbell's Chunky™ Soup, Hearty Beef Barley, 19 Ounce (Pack of 12) (Allan Buchness)The Sad Boi Kill
Claudua (Real Brandon)White Lightning Kill
Niranjan Ravioli (Chooper)Alexander Hamilton (Pony) Double
ASS-assin69 (Alex Faranghui)Sue Kill
Speed (Jackson Kopitz)Assassins Daddy Kill
[Intro: Offset] You know, young rich n****s You know so we ain't really never had no old money We got a whole lotta new money though, hah (If Young Metro don't trust you I'm gon' shoot ya) Hey! [Chorus: Offset] Raindrop (drip), drop top (drop top) Smokin' on cookie in the hotbox (cookie) F*ckin' on your b*tch she a thot, thot (thot) Cookin' up dope in the crockpot (pot) We came from nothin' to somethin' n**** (hey) I don't trust nobody grip the trigger (nobody) Call up the gang, and they come and get you (gang) Cry me a river, give you a tissue (hey) My b*tch is bad and boujee (bad) Cookin' up dope with an Uzi (blaow) My n****s is savage, ruthless (savage) We got 30's and 100 rounds too (grrah) My b*tch is bad and boujee (bad) Cookin' up dope with an Uzi (dope) My n****s is savage, ruthless (hey) We got 30's and 100 rounds too (glah) [Verse 1: Offset] Offset, whoo, whoo, whoo, whoo, whoo! Rackaids on rackaids, got back-ends on back-ends I'm ridin' around in a coupe (coupe) I take your bih right from you (You) B*tch I'm a dog, roof (grr) Beat the hoe walls loose (hey) Hop in the frog, whoo (skrt) I tell that bih to come comfort me (comfort me) I swear these n****s is under me (hey) They hate and the devil keep jumpin' me (jumpin' me) Bankrolls on me keep me company (cash) Aye, we do the most Yeah, pull up in Ghosts (whoo) Yeah, my diamonds a choker (glah) Holdin' the fire with no holster (blaow) Rick the Ruler, diamonds cooler (cooler) This a Rollie, not a Muller (hey) Dabbin' on 'em like the usual (dab) Magic with the brick, do voodoo (magic) Courtside with a bad b*tch (b*tch) Then I send the b*tch through Uber (go) I'm young and rich and plus I'm bougie (hey) I'm not stupid so I keep the Uzi (rrah) Rackaids on rackaids, got back-ends on back-ends So my money makin' my back ache (aagh) You n****s got a low Act rate (Act) We from the Nawf, yeah, dat way (nawf) Fat Cookie blunt in the ashtray (cookie) Two b*tches, just national smash day (smash) Hop in the Lamb, have a drag race (skrt) I let them birds take a bath, bae (brr) [Chorus: Offset] Raindrop (drip), drop top (drop top) Smokin' on cookie in the hotbox (cookie) F*ckin' on your b*tch she a thot, thot (thot) Cookin' up dope in the crockpot (pot) We came from nothin' to somethin' n**** (hey) I don't trust nobody grip the trigger (nobody) Call up the gang, and they come and get you (gang) Cry me a river, give you a tissue (hey) My b*tch is bad and boujee (bad) Cookin' up dope with an Uzi (blaow) My n****s is savage, ruthless (savage) We got 30's and 100 rounds too (grrah) My b*tch is bad and boujee (bad) Cookin' up dope with an Uzi (dope) My n****s is savage, ruthless (hey) We got 30's and 100 rounds too (glah) [Verse 2: Quavo] Pour a four, I'm droppin' muddy Outer space, Kid Cudi (drank) Introduce me to your b*tch as wifey and we know she sluttin' Broke a brick down, nutted butted, now that n**** duckin' Don't move too fast I might shoot you (huh?) Draco bad and boujee (draco) I'm always hangin' with shooters (brrah) Might be posted somewhere secluded (private) Still be playin' with pots and pans, call me Quavo Ratatouille Run with that sack, call me Boobie (run with it) When I'm on stage show me boobies (ay) Ice on my neck, I'm the coolest (ice) Hop out the suicide with the Uzi (pew-pew-pew) I pull up, I pull up, I pull up I hop out with all of the drugs and the good luck (skrrt) I'm cookin', I'm cookin', I'm whippin' I'm whippin' into a rock up, let it lock up (lock up) I gave her 10 racks I told her go shoppin' and spend it all at the pop up (ten) These b*tches they f*ck and suck d*ck And they bustin' for Instagram, get your Klout up Uh, yeah, dat way, float on the track like a Segway (go) Yeah, dat way, I used to trap by the Subway (trappin') Yeah, dat way, young n**** trap with the AK (rrrah) Yeah, dat way, big d*ke hoe, get the door, Macy Gray (hey) [Chorus: Offset] Raindrop (drip), drop top (drop top) Smokin' on cookie in the hotbox (cookie) F*ckin' on your b*tch she a thot, thot (thot) Cookin' up dope in the crockpot (pot) We came from nothin' to somethin' n**** (hey) I don't trust nobody grip the trigger (nobody) Call up the gang, and they come and get you (gang) Cry me a river, give you a tissue (hey) My b*tch is bad and boujee (bad) Cookin' up dope with an Uzi (blaow) My n****s is savage, ruthless (savage) We got 30's and 100 rounds too (grrah) My b*tch is bad and boujee (bad) Cookin' up dope with an Uzi (dope) My n****s is savage, ruthless (hey) We got 30's and 100 rounds too (glah) [Verse 3: Lil Uzi Vert] Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah My b*tch she bad to the bone, ay Wait, these n****s watchin' I swear to God they be my clones Yeah, hey, huh Switchin' my hoes like my flows (what?) Switchin' my flows like my clothes (like what?) Keep on shootin' that gun, don't reload Ooh, ooh, now she want f*ck with my crew Cause the money come all out the roof Drive the Rari, that b*tch got no roof (skrt) Wait, what kind of Rari? 458 (damn) All of these n****s, they hate (they hate) Try to hide, shoot through the gate Look, go to strip club, make it rain, yeah So much money, they use rakes Count 100 thousand in your face (in your face) Yeah, then put 300 right in the safe Met her today, ooh She talk to me like she knew me (yeah) Go to sleep in a jacuzzi, yeah Wakin' up right to a two-piece (yeah) Countin' that paper like loose leaf (yeah) Gettin' that chicken with blue cheese (yeah) Boy, you so fake like my collar, you snakin' I swear to God that be that Gucci (aye) And you know we winnin' (winnin') Yeah, we is not losin' Try to play your song, it ain't move me (what?) Saw your girl once, now she choosin' (yeah) [Chorus: Offset] Raindrop (drip), drop top (drop top) Smokin' on cookie in the hotbox (cookie) F*ckin' on your b*tch she a thot, thot (thot) Cookin' up dope in the crockpot (pot) We came from nothin' to somethin' n**** (hey) I don't trust nobody grip the trigger (nobody) Call up the gang, and they come and get you (gang) Cry me a river, give you a tissue (hey) My b*tch is bad and boujee (bad) Cookin' up dope with an Uzi (blaow) My n****s is savage, ruthless (savage) We got 30's and 100 rounds too (grrah) My b*tch is bad and boujee (bad) Cookin' up dope with an Uzi (dope) My n****s is savage, ruthless (hey) We got 30's and 100 rounds too (glah) (Michael Miller)Functional Anarchy (Lauren Russo) Double
John Doe (Matt Goodman)IlIlIlIl Kill
Suck Charlotte's Didgeridoo (Nir)Kridten Kill

Our regular rehearsal schedule during the Fall is as follows:

  • Tuesdays, 9-11pm + Open Bandstaph meeting, 8:00pm
  • Thursdays, 9:15-10:30pm
  • Fridays, 4:45-6pm
  • Saturdays, 10am-12pm (weeks with no game)

2010 Sy Katz Parade

The band parades down Fifth Avenue in New York City during the biannual Sy Katz '31 Parade. What other Ivy League band gets to have its very own parade?